So let me give you guys a little back story. My friend Sharnie and I met in Colombia. We were working in a hostel together on the coast in Santa Marta. Sharnie is from Australia I’m originally from Poland but have been in Brooklyn long enough to have a proper NY accent! But as exciting as that is, for most people Sharnie is way more exotic sounding and therefore everyone thinks she’s the interesting one. She’s definitely the smart one, but I’m funnier and that’s why I’m writing this post and not Sharnie 🙂
(She will enlighten you with her intellectualism on a regular basis too, she might even be funny once in a while 😉
Sharnie and I decided to leave the hostel we were working in to travel trough the coast together for a bit and randomly found jobs in Medellin and I ended up staying there for a little over a month working as the coolest bartender you ever did see and Sharnie decided she wanted to go to the states and visit family! We made a plan to meet in Florida when I was done in Medellin and rent a car and drive to NY.
Now this blog is not about South America. Maybe one day we will tell you our crazy stories…but for now we have interesting experiences here in America that need telling! South America ain’t got nothing on the South!
Now you should all know that we are doing this road trip on a $150 (each) budget! Basically we can only afford petrol and tiny bits of cheap food. It goes a little something like the song Chicago by Sufjan Stevens..
“I drove to New York
In a van with my friend
We slept in parking lots
I don’t mind, I don’t mind
I was in love with the place”
So we originally planned on sleeping in parking lots and in fact when we arrived in Savannah we found the perfect parking lot down by River St. to sleep in where the cops wouldn’t bother us till 8am! Wanna know the best part?? It was right across the street from a row of bars! Eeeeppp we slapped on some bronzer and mascara, put on Heavenly lotion by Victoria’s Secret since we hadn’t showered and it was no secret we smelled haha! And we hit the row! Now mind you it was a Tuesday night and it had rained earlier so the bars were about as exciting as watching paint dry! But there was one bar hosting comedy night which had more then 1 person inside (there were 10!!!! ) so we went in! Plus they had $2 PBR’s and us broke bitches could afford to get drunk here and maybe if we laughed at the unfunny jokes we could score some beers and plus I told Sharn to work her boobs which, believe me, work wonders! So low and behold one of the guys was actually funny and if you know me, or ever heard me laugh, you know I snort repulsively! So this guy at the bar, who I thought was cute (I later realized this was solely due to the lighting and my small level of intoxication) started making fun of my snort and somehow was intrigued to come up and strike a conversation with me! He starts telling me he works for the tourist board and that we should take his free walking tour and that the hot army guys are currently on vacation and at a bar up the street! “Say what?!” We chugged our beer and were outta there faster then the guy could say “hey what’s your number” but then I forgot what his directions were so we stood outside furiously googling bars in Savannah and then this guy, let’s call him Buddy, comes outside! Sharn opens her big exotic sounding mouth and now we’re standing there listening to this guy tell us every country he’s been to instead of chasing hot men with Southern accents! What is it with people wanting to talk about every single place they’ve been too anyways? But then it’s as if the Gods smiled on us…Buddy asked if we’re couch surfing and well…we tried that at 7pm and got no response from the couchsurfing world haha, maybe we were just a tid bit last minute with our requests! So we tell him no we’re sleeping in the car and he’s like “I have a couch” “I was a couch surfing ambassador in…blah blah blah” yea who cares! Sharn and I look at each other and silently think in unison that this guy is weird but we need a shower so we were like “hell yea!!!”
Long blog post short, after Buddy tells us that he was mugged in the alley way next door, and that he was in the army and that he he dabbles in 31 different instruments and that he owns a company, or two or 50 and that his uncle works for the government and that his cousins brother in law is a movie star we go to this blues club and he gets us free beer! SCORE! Then tells us he has not thrown date rape drugs in to our drinks! Weird strike number 1 haha.
Then Sharn attracts another stand up guy..ahem.. with a letterman jacket who is clearly having jock withdrawal from high school and hates America! This guy comes with a sidekick with dreads who plays in a rock band and dresses like those guys who carry coffins during a funeral, or maybe like a jazz player I don’t know, I can’t think of a good analogy! Anyways they’re both full on to Sharnie while I’m appreciating the blues band and hoping the drink Buddy is trying to get me to sip is not full of Rohypnol.
A couple songs in Mr. dreadlocks asks Sharn to dance..clearly she hates me and insists that I’m a better dancer! So I’m forced to dance with this man who makes rapey eye contact with me the entire time and creepily strokes my nose and chin as if I’m his cat! Weird strike #2!!
At this point Buddy is upset that he’s not getting any play and asks that we all go back since he’s tired! Of course not before whispering in my ear wether I do drugs. No, Buddy, I’m sorry I don’t do drugs! Sharn, my delicate little flower, asks this man wether or not he’s going to murder us in our sleep! Well hell! if he wasn’t going to, he will probably want to now haha!
So we get to his beautiful but unkept house in what’s supposedly a ghetto. Here is a picture so you know what I mean 🙂
Holy cannoli it’s literally the most disgusting house I have ever seen! I’m scared to sit on the couch for fear of catching fleas or bed bugs, or maybe bed bugs who have fleas! There’s holes in the couch and the entire house smells like a dead person who has come to life and then has been murdered again! I sit uncomfortably and Buddy tells me I can relax and lay down….no muther efferr I am not laying down!! He then let’s out what we think is a rat, it turns out to be a really cute, really smelly, chihuahua named Peso! He says Peso smells cause chihuahuas have bad breath but I think it’s cuz that poor dog has not seen soap and water his entire life! I’m gagging just thinking about how he licked my hand and because no matter what situation we are in, Sharn and I always feel bad hurting peoples feelings so I had to pretend it was cute haha!
So then Buddy throws out Weird strike #3 and mentions that we are welcome to sleep with him in his king sized bed “I have a king sized bed and you can always come and sleep with me” …oh um thank you????
At this point poor Sharn looks like she might cry cuz she’s convinced he’s going to murder and/or rape us in our sleep! He puts on the movie Blow and we’re both wishing we were couch surfing in Johnny Depp’s apartment and not this guy who thinks khakis and flip flops go well together! Sigh! He brings us some blankets that smell like a skunk and a badger have had an orgy on it after they’ve fore played in a garbage container!!! Buddy spreads out creepily close next to us and we watch the movie..well half the movie as at this point it’s 3 am and we’re beat and he doesn’t seem to get the yawning hints so Sharn finally lays down and he gets up and after announcing one more time that his bed is available he goes off to sleep!
I brushed my teeth and grabbed the towel which actually looked like It had been washed and laid down head to head with Sharn, covering myself with the towel and praying I don’t catch a disease on this couch! We stayed up whispering about how weird this guy is and wether or not we would die and if we should just escape through the yard then and there and wether our phones were safe on the chargers! With that thought I grabbed my purse and wrapped it around my arm and we both grabbed our phones off the chargers and stuffed them under our pillows! Sharn was mentally exhausted from the stress and knocked out and I have to admit even though I was pretty confident that we were fine I had some deep down scary thoughts that made me compulsively knock on wood. But I couldn’t tell Sharn that and so when she fell asleep I furiously googled this guy and checked his couch surfing account as he did say he had one. He actually had some good reviews and then I realized that this guy was probably just weird and socially awkward but harmless and at the end of the day was a really thoughtful host and I felt really bad that I sneakily told the cops who were having a pit stop outside of the gas station where Buddy was buying beer to write down his license plate in case two touristy white girls go missing in Savannah! And he bought us chocolate while buying beer and here I was having little faith in humanity!
So I counted our lucky stars because we didn’t have to sleep in the car and even though the bed smelled, we had a bed, and I said a lil prayer for Buddy because he meant well and securely fell asleep! In the morning we got the frakkk out of there faster then a scalded dog!
PS this is where we are writing this post from! A friend of mine just lives in a mansion in North Carolina NBD!
-Joey and Sharn